belly up to the bar, boys....

and so 2013 roars ahead...two events back to back which seemed so far away a few years ago are behind me now...first, lauren's college graduation...the second, my nephew justin's becoming a bar-mitzvah...that sweet little baby i held in the hospital almost thirteen years ago, now looks down to meet my eyes as i greet him...taller and taller with each month...one more year of middle school...teetering on the edge of the aloofness of young men...still happily gives this aunt a hug every time i see him...and now a bar mitzvah...a rite of passage...in what was a celebratory weekend...friday and saturday temple services...and then a fantastic party sunday...i found myself in total awe of the speed of time...and then at the party i paused at the realization that i was sitting at an "older" table...the exuberance of youth brushing past me on the dance floor...so i headed to the bar at the "bar"...trying to choose wisely...will it give me a headache?...if the kids knock into me will it stain my dress?...the impossibly young bartender hands me my drink...as i bring it to my lips i see my nephew...the smile permanently tattooed on his face...yep, he's king of the world...and king of the court, being the only grandson on both sides of his family...surrounded by his beautiful cousins only too happy to share in his joy...ah, the hell with it...i turn to the bartender, lifting a fresh drink and silently toast to all those not here on this dance floor...and it is time to dance...these moments are fleeting and few, as the saying goes...the daily grind can wait till the morning next to that bottle of advil!

Pomp, and circumstances

and so i am now the parent of a college graduate...i will spare you the cliche line, in the blink of an eye...even if it does seem true...mostly...cause we all realize deep inside that as parents we remember it all...everything about raising our children...the good...the not so good...the stuff that turned our hair gray and made us instantly atone and pray for forgiveness for all our transgressions against our own parents...and amazingly there i was in decrepit nassau coliseum...please, someone get that bid and fix the damned place...cold and wet from running in from a truly ugly weather day that every idiot forecaster missed...freezing in that overly air-conditioned arena...holding the tears with each and every chord of pomp and circumstance...a short time earlier we had hugged lauren good-bye as she left to go with all the graduates while we ran for seats...and she turned to look at me as i let go,and there it was...the little face nervous and tentative as i let go the first day of nursery school...the shy smile as she waved from the school bus as the doors closed that first day of kindergarten...the less-than-thrilled look with middle school...high school...harder times...and then the full smile of earned joy at high school graduation...and now today...my lovely daughter...a woman i recognize as sure as the air i breathe...and then don't...joni mitchell's "circle game" in my head...wishing my dad could see this...pure joy sharing this with my mom...taking it all in to savor...looking at those around me...that soft nod of kinship you give to other moms...that shared collective sigh...and tear...to all my family and friends basking in the delight of your own child's commencement...pat yourself on the back...it's your commencement too!

baby, you can drive my car

i seemed to have been in my car a lot this past week...mostly driving in "circles"...picking up...dropping off...early in the week there i was...incredibly fatigued...failing to double-check my rear window and hitting a neighbor's (illegally parked car)...his car fine...mine eh...which made me more painfully attuned to all around me the rest of the week...and the horrible state of driving in my zip code...which in turn made me painfully aware of everyone around me everywhere i went...like on line in target...the people...not cute and perky like the commercial...more like an episode of "wife swap" or the real housewives of carle place...then the movies last night at the multiplex...i was just happy that there was a movie i wanted to see since the "oscar" rush..."mud"...a good movie with a small indie feel and a wonderful matthew mccconaughey who will probably be overlooked at next year's award season...anyway, the theater was packed...i looked around and thought bloomberg would have a total stroke and keel over if he saw this sight...popcorn buckets large enough to feed a third world nation...and sodas large enough to induce instant diabetic shock...greasy box loads of fries and nuggets of indeterminate substances...after the 30 minutes of previews, one that i remember seeing a full year ago...can you say bomb?..i thought wistfully...well maybe the sounds of popcorn rustling in boxes...soda slurping...nuggets crunching would be done...and when the movie started it was...mostly...but then there she was...the narrator...you know her...or him...the person at the movies who feels the need to loudly announce who is now on screen...or what may or may not happen next...yes, she was in range as we heard..."that's reese witherspoon"...it was then that i secretly prayed she had more popcorn or soda or anything to shut her up...and finally she did...when the movie was over and the credits rolled mike informed me that we could not exit to the right as the woman a few seats down had knocked over the remains of her keg of coke all over the floor...as we made our way out of the lot i saw the requisite car going through what was now clearly a red light...i closed my eyes and dreamed of a cottage on the edge of oblivion...ocean in the distance...and words pouring from my fingertips...yeah, baby you can drive my car!

lions and tigers and bears...oh my!

"someone told me it's all happening at the zoo"...saturday at the bronx zoo...me, and mike, and lauren...originally billed as a "please go with me so i can finish my damned anthropology paper" by lauren, the day actually became a nice "family" moment...as we crossed the entrance we realized that the last time we'd been there was about 14 years ago...too long...map in hand, we plotted our course...first stop...the lions...basking in the warm noon sun were simba and nala...the fence was jam-packed with families...toddlers on shoulders...phone cameras, and some real ones too, clicking furiously...and then it happened...the lion sniffed the lioness and within seconds...little voices yelling..."mommy...daddy...what's he doing"...sex-ed 101...next zebras...up around the bend...all the while my silent prayer that all my body parts would survive the uphill walk that is a large section of the zoo...then more assorted large animals, and then a beautiful giraffe, oblivious to the world...devoted to his lunch...which made us realize how hungry we were...after our lunch it was the congo and the gorillas...as i leaned to watch this group...the large "alpha" male, who gave us quite a show with his up to the glass grin, and then retreat to his rock, and his family...i thought back to "gorillas in the mist" and sigourney weaver's brilliant portrayal of dian fossey...and of course my mind wandered...who the hell beat her that year at the oscars...and i had to google it..ah, jodie foster, "the accused"...where was i?...ah, yes...the gorillas...when they all looked like they were collectively doing the "we're bored performing so we are going to pretend to sleep" routine...we moved on...the reptile house...snakes...safely behind glass...me, imagining shoes and pocketbooks...a smiling turtle...then outside...a majestic tiger...so few left on this earth it makes you cry...beautiful snow leopards...a lone polar bear...pacing in boredom or perhaps hoping for a moron to scale the fence...an afternoon bite...we were getting punchy...we were approaching the 5 hour mark...we sauntered the downhill descent to the exit and our car...a nice afternoon and a pleasant time as a family...with college graduation a mere three weeks for lauren i got a bit wistful...and secretly was glad for that anthro paper...it's all happening at the zoo...i do believe it...i do believe it's true...

Running on empty...

i am sure if you're reading this you would agree...maybe t.s.eliot was right when he started "the wasteland" with "april is the cruelest month"...i usually feel this way when i wear snow boots and a parka one day...and then shorts and a tee the next...but this april is raining new kinds of crazy on us...the boston marathon...do i have to say anything else?...during a discussion with a rather nice cab driver yesterday en route to the lirr, we talked about the bombings...and both sadly expressed our horror when thinking of the world we are leaving to our children...sandy hook...countless college campus lockdowns since...i keep thinking about a brilliant independent film, "take shelter", in which the lead character cannot distinguish between insanity and the conviction of the approaching end of days and his need to build shelter for his family...i find myself avoiding the news this week...i don't know which revelation will let me sleep at night...that the bomber is a foreign terrorist...or homegrown...where does such hatred and lack of humanity come from?...it gnaws at you...last night i was fortunate enough to attend an event that reminded me of all that can be...i went to alice tully hall at lincoln center for "poetry and the creative mind"...a celebration for national poetry month sponsored by the academy of american poets...12 "celebrities" from very different paths - dick cavett, mario batali and patricia clarkson to name a few... read a few poems each...old classics...and new gems...and for the first time since the marathon story broke i felt myself breathe...smile..and laugh...and for that i was grateful...and then back to the subway, and reality...running forward...trying to keep going...but when i close my eyes i see the image...that runner falls...and i too am running on empty...

Elvis has left the building....

vegas...adult disneyland...i have just returned from a long weekend in sin city...no poorer...but no richer either...but it is a writer's dream in many ways...if just for people-watching...we stayed at caesars of "hangover" fame...although rather sedate on wednesday and thursday, thanks to some incoming conventions, california weekenders, and a thousand bachelorette parties, the place was filled to capacity by friday...the seismic shift in type of guest was first noted poolside friday afternoon...on one side there was a male redneck convention...each testosterone-fueled jerk topping the other in loudness, splashing and an apparent inability to keep a beer from spilling into the pool...on the other side, the objects of their affection...the overly faux-tanned, shouldn't be wearing that bikini, chain-smoking and dropping cigarette ash into the pool girls...and next to us, a well-intentioned young dad with his toddler son in tow...the ill-concealed pamper swelling...i thought i was doomed...choking from second-hand smoke...swimming in budweiser and whatever that pamper couldn't hold...that night we took a cab over to the hard rock hotel...taking a trip down memory lane to the big-hair eighties with def leppard...in the crowd were several men on the other side of 50 donning long-haired wigs...a nod to their youth...the band was incredible...the spoils and excesses of their stardom far behind them leaving their talent front and center...when it was over and we joined the long and winding line for a taxi i noticed one of the men with a wig surrounded by some young women...one who was about a minute from being sick in full view...so the man opened his mouth to talk to her...and there it was...not the swag of long-haired eighties rock...but the nasal drone of william h. macy via "fargo"...."ya, we've all been there"...i turned away trying not to break down in a full-blown laugh attack...then to my right i saw an ambulance and stretcher rushing into the hotel...yeah...back to the eighties...and finally, back to caesar's...and wouldn't you know...as we walked through the casino i spotted those girls...the sick one being dragged to an elevator by her friends...hey, at least it wasn't our elevator bank...ding ding ding...listen to the slots...the fall of the roman empire...

So it shall be written...

(in that anne baxter purr) "Oh moses, moses"...poll any number of young jewish children with the question, "what is your favorite jewish holiday?" and most likely there will be a rousing roar of "chanukah" as visions of presents and dreidels dance in their eyes...i, however, would have said passover...visually always "the ten commandments" in all its glory...as a child missing the humor in the casting (vincent price! edward g. robinson!) but remembering the beauty of debra paget and yvonne de carlo...oh, moses...in the amazing naivete of my youth, i believed it when my uncle pointed to the statue as we drove to robert moses state park, and said, "moses is buried here"...imagining holy sands beneath my toes...on long island!...but for me nothing will ever top the sweet memories of huge seders hosted by my grandmother or her sisters...my grandmother was the eldest of six sisters...as they married, had children, and their children had children, the family became quite large...i can close my eyes and see the table...at the head of the table, my grandfather and his brothers-in-law, singing in hebrew, joking in yiddish, yelling at everyone to be quiet in english...next, the women, taking turns sitting, cooking, serving and also yelling at us, the children, while the sounds of their laughter in the kitchen drowned all else...and us, the children, rolling eyes, crawling under the table in search of the afikomen (matzoh to be taken and held for a reward at the end of the seder)...escaping to apartment hallways to run and play, so happy to see cousins once more...and then suddenly i was a hostess...truly understanding after organizing a sit-down multi-course ceremonial meal that when it came to hosting responsibilities, at passover you wanted this holiday to pass-you-over...but secretly savoring the vision of your own daughter, giggling with her cousins way down at the end of your table...passover...a holiday that has it all...slavery, freedom, sorrow, joy and redemption...in ways not so different from all that this most holy week means for my christian friends...perhaps when we feel little hope for our community, or nation, or for our world, we should remember that sometimes the parts are greater than the whole...and sometimes random acts of kindness sustain us...happy passover and happy easter...and even if you don't travel either of those roads...here is wishing us all peace, and lightness of the soul even in the darkness.