Gary, and Gary...Indiana

watching the news...can't help but think of that old expression...may you live in interesting times...new laws...old prejudices and fears...and the gentle coaxing...finessing of wording...ah, yes...the wicked witch scratches her chin...these things must be done delicately...these days those that rant against the evils of faraway lands...those countries we can't even pin on a map...ones that treat their citizens harshly in the name of what they call holy...the irony...yes, these days many of our fellow men and women...those we have entrusted with our local and national governments claim a special relationship with the stars and stripes and all we hold dear...and hide deep-seated fears behind the language and intent of law...all as the Judeo-Christian world approaches holy days...reflective days...the days of ten commandments...and then not being worthy of them...of ultimate sacrifice...resurrection...love...i do not mean to offend...but i think of a line from "hannah and her sisters"..."if Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up"...so as this holy week unfolds for many...as we pray for what should pass over and what should remain...think of the messages these days should impart to all...let your love of your faith lead you to greater acceptance of all your fellow men and women...even that which is most difficult for you...and remember...the good ole days weren't all that good...ask anyone still with us who had to wear a pink triangle...or yellow star...

as the saints go marching in

did you feel it today?...it was the feeling that the ground was about to sink from the sheer weight of it all...what weight you ask?...the weight of modern day saints...puzzled?...let my fried fifty-something brain lay it out for you...it all became abundantly clear reading a story in the paper about a man attempting to sue an applebee's in nj for burning his face as he leaned over his sizzling fajitas to pray...glad i read this because if i heard this while driving then i would have laughed so hard that i would have missed the five hundred potholes in front of me and blew out my tires....but it points to the fact that we live in a society where every individual feels blameless...surely it is always the fault of someone else...from anti-bullying assemblies where the most vicious bully wears the feigned smile pledging to be kind while furiously posting with the hidden phone...to the person ranting about the dui accident in his beautiful hamlet while running out of fingers to count recalling all the times driving home after more than a few at happy hour...the political experts among your circle ranting and never voting...people who blame those of other faiths for all life's ills who never step into their own houses of worship...the earth is sinking from the weight of this self-appointed sainthood...and maybe this long winter has left me a bit introspective...then again, maybe this spring all would be a little lighter if we did a little soul searching...a little soul cleaning, as it were...then maybe we could cut our fellow men and women a little slack...realize that each individual is flawed...including ourselves...and by accepting this and taking responsibility we lighten that weight...in time for summer...

The Unicorn...

it has been two months since my shoulder surgery…and while i plod on with pt and recovery through a late-blooming, but shitty winter…it is the calendar that has me fifty shades of blue...april approaching…55….ugh...there’s no getting around it…the roots don’t lie…or the memories, and sometimes lack thereof…the body parts that you never knew existed that suddenly ache when you reach for that cookie that you know you shouldn’t eat…but you feel you’ve earned with just getting out of bed another day…but in a warped universe…twisted and perverse…G-d has granted my wish for youth eternal…yes, almost 55…and yet i still haunt the tampax aisle…guzzle advil to no avail…and roar like a fucking dragon wanting to burn everything in my path once a month…yes, part of me seems to be 14…when i went for pre-op before the surgery…and filled out 75 pages of information…was passed like a bag of popcorn from nurse to nurse to nurse…all around my age…the awe and wonder that passed each face as they read the box…date of your last period…the disbelief…and then the audible…loud and clear…YOU STILL GET YOUR PERIOD?!?...yes, i replied…i am the fucking unicorn…the 8^th wonder of the fucking world…yes…i will be pushing through cvs with my walker and buying tampax until the end of days…or when jennifer aniston wins an oscar…whichever comes first…then i was pissed that they brought it up…and so the glint of the dragon must have blinded them and they shut up…yes…that wish over candles for youth…that was supposed to be for 25…skinny…carefree…able to down tequila shots with grace…and live to tell..and repeat…so in conclusion, ladies…especially those reading this in your thirties, forties…or, bless you, younger…next birthday…when you’re miserable over those five pounds…five grey hairs…five wrinkles…the candles…just wish for bradley cooper…

call your grammy...

the grammy awards...the grammy red carpet...the gifts that keep on giving...the last red carpet that has not been sanitized over the past few years to a yawn status...the artists who intentionally cause a twitter explosion...the ones who think they are all that but should have looked in a mirror before they left the house...with the lights on...the only thing funnier...or maybe scarier than the fashions are the interviews...i wonder what the cumulative IQ was last night...over the past few years the show itself has become more of a cbs concert...a white bread view of the current music scene...which actually is like the grammy's of yesteryear...only now it's shorter...but you remember...a performance for each of the 962 genres...flamenco...polka...and being a young teen in the 70's that meant that although i was blissfully buried in my records of joni, linda and carly...the name announced from the podium was the milquetoast queen olivia...but i digress...last night...thank you kim for wearing a dynasty cast-off joan collins bathrobe and calling it a dress...thank you rihanna...because you brought one of my favorite movies to the front row...the wizard of oz...as you channeled glinda in that pink 1960's toilet seat cover...thank you madonna...the mistress of style over substance (sorry fans...but cyndi had the voice)...for your red carpet outfit...did you get lost on your way to the "fifty shades" party at shady pines?...thank you beck...why i don't know...thank you grammy's for finally honoring joan rivers with an award before the telecast...and then leaving her off the dead montage...there were some better moments...tony and gaga...finally ac/dc...elo...hozier and annie lennox...but they somehow got drowned in all the rest...so i will clear my head...blast some led zeppelin IV...and wait for the oscars...pray that neil patrick can find that show's pulse...so i will not have to swim in my fifty-something memory for salvation...

the cost of deflation

they say the third monday in january is the saddest day of the year...they call it blue monday...and at this point many would argue that the new england patriots should be blue...and not because of their uniforms...but for deflated balls...laugh track...and in this day and age when bowls are determined by balls...laugh track...i want to laugh...because i want this, the ultimate in distraction, to...well...distract...but it's the third week in january...and we are just a bit over one third into winter...not close enough to spring for me...and i am, hopefully, one week away from taking this freaking sling off my right arm...but that's only a small step in what is turning out to be a longer road to recovery than i thought...and i'm getting stir crazy...and i should just paste everything i eat...and don't eat...to my ass...and i am going to throw the scale out the window...and hope by some miracle that at that given moment tom brady just happens to be underneath...pretty boy face with the idiot knit hat...poker face as he claims innocence...yes...i hope he is there...with that uber-skinny bitch wife, giselle...and then maybe the spell of blue monday will be broken...then i would laugh till the sling ached...and so would peyton...and bridget moynahan...and my dad, up there, the ultimate giants fan...we'd all laugh at the cost of air in your balls...which as it turns out...is priceless...

let it go

a few weeks ago...one of my last days at work before my shoulder surgery...as i straightened up merchandise between the rush of christmas shoppers i playfully squeezed our talking olaf toy...and uttered the words out loud..."i never saw 'frozen'"..to which my boss and coworkers chimed "WHAT?" in disbelief...i told them it was on the dvr...that lauren and i meant to watch it a thousand times...and so there i was shortly after...planted on the couch watching it with lauren...it started true to disney form..taking me back to movie theater days when lauren was a very little girl...anyone reading this who had young children in the 90's will relate...about 10 to 15 minutes into any disney animated hit...before your little boy or girl has you running to explore the joy of public bathrooms in any given multiplex...there it is on the big ass screen...a parent dies...or parents...soon to be replaced by evil stepmothers, maniacal uncles,
witches, etc..to which your child turns to you and cries..."what happened?"...to which you scream, on the inside, fuck you disney..so now i am watching "frozen" and sure enough the parents are gone in a few minutes...and i'm waiting for the empowerment that is supposed to be the subtext...let's see...elsa, the sister of untold powers, finds her mojo by banishing herself on a cliff, unleashing a pretty cool ice castle and a disney-sexy gown to match...anna has to deal with two suitors, a reindeer and talking snowman in a hideous heidi-hand-me-down frock...despite the back story of romance, it is the sibling love that empowers these disney damsels...okay...a move somewhat forward...flash forward three weeks and i am watching "into the woods"...fully aware that with disney's paws on sondheim it will ultimately be sondheim-lite...and it may be why there is a visible seam in this movie...two thirds into it and then what to do?...this after all, is sondheim's view of fairy tales...not for children...but more how we treat each other...how we try to shield our children...who must confront all the good and evil there is..outside and within..to the children out there...all singing off-key...all the time...adele dazeem's "let it go"...remember too sondheim as you grow and venture your own paths..."sometimes people leave you, halfway through the wood. others may deceive you. you decide what's good. you decide alone. but no one is alone."...

nypd...blue

let me preface this post...i am not a cop...or a retired cop...or child of...and this post...these feelings are not a pulpit stand for left or right...black or white...or the real grey we all live with in between...this is for a sadness...a profound sadness...a real deep blue...this morning as i griped about all the fun my ten-day post shoulder surgery is...and the real delight of a sling on my right arm...the same that will make this posting proceed at a real turtle pace...yes, after saturday morning kvetching i put on the tv...and there it was...the funeral for the late detective ramos...and there was that tear...or two or three...hard to look away...hard not to feel flush with sorrow...bratton's eulogy was the real tear inducer...the boston accent rolling in a sea of genuine sorrow...i kept thinking who the hell wants that job...and being a film fan i cannot escape the bits and pieces that play in the reel always turning in my mind...a fictional soundtrack for warped reality...it was al pacino..."sea of love"...and that crazy line...defending himself to ellen barkin...something like, "in the wet-ass hour we are everybody's daddy"...and as i watched that sea of blue today i did think of what nypd does and must do day in and day out...again, this is not a debate over what needs fixing...what doesn't...it is really just a humble realization...and thank you...for men and women who do what would repel most...when every hour...every minute on the job may end in a day like this...a day when every new yorker..present and past...is nypd...blue